This is something I often read about and what is also a big part of the stigma. People with Borderline Disorders can’t have an happy relationship with an other person because of their mental health status. And that is complete bullshit!
A few years ago I’d say something similar because I experienced nothing else. I had such an sterotypical relationship, which was always explosiv because of my illness. But not just because of me, just make this point clear. But I’ll just write about my side because of the privacy of my ex-partner.
It’s the truth that relationships with Borderline patients aren’t always easy. But to be fair, it is not just our fault. We are also a prisoners of our illness, in some kind. People with Borderline tend to see things in a straight black-and-white-scene. In this minute everything is fine and the best time ever but this can completely change into rage and hating everything within minutes. So it is with our relationships too. We tend to fall in love quickly and then pretty intense. With these feelings also the fear of loss is coming. It’s pretty common that people with Borderline want to bound very closely. I’m not an exception. When I love someone then I do it with all my heart and in every situation. I’m one of those persons which have a huge fear of loss, the worst nightmare is for me loosing one of my beloved ones. Not just in a way of death, also break-ups and fights. And this is the part when it get’s complicated, because when I doesn’t want to loose anyone, there are just two ways of behavior.
Way 1: being the clingiest human ever. I want to spend all the time I have with this person. It’s the hardest part of separation, when one of the two of us have to leave. But I learned to handle strong emotions like these, through having a long-distance-relationship. We need to separate, because each of us have their life on a different place and we have liabilities there. Being realistic in situations like these helped me a lot. Because being clingy can also be your death (in a relationship), because in special constellations your partner can use this against you and isolate you from everyone else. Sure you have just the person you adore the most by your side, but it’s in no way a healthy relationship. (If you have the feeling of living in something like this – get the fck out there! Your disease is not an excuse for treating you bad or patronizing you. Keep this always in mind!)
And there is also Way 2: I separate myself from this person. I do like I wouldn’t care about it, so that I can’t get hurt. This also an unhealthy way of life, because it’s pretty lonely. You can’t always keep everyone away from yourself just to prevent not getting hurt. It’s okay to let go and having the risk of loss. Because when you are realistic, nothing is made forever. So aren’t we. So much can happen in a lifetime, it’s dumb to waste your life unhappy just because of the fear. I know this sounds hard and it’s a hard decision, but it helps so much to feel happier.
If you’d ask me three years ago about relationships with borderline people, I’d say that it’s difficult and hard. But now I totally changed my sight. I’m in a happy and motivational relationship for almost two years now and I never felt so confident. Sure there are always those fears in the back of my head, but our key to happiness is honesty and having open conversations about everything. When I have a break-down or even just a stressful period, I tell my partner about it and try to decribe him the motivations and the influences of my diseases. Also my partner is one of the most calm and understanding humans I know. He always cheer me up and goes through hard situations with me, even if it’s not easy for him. It’s never easy to handle an relationship with someone in-stable, but it’s worth the fight if it is the right person. Just be honest and share your problems, then you have someone to talk about it with. And always keep in mind that you aren’t alone and you are good the way you are.