Your mental state is something, that should be just a matter to yourself. But the people around you will notice it too. This article is about how I handle the realtionships in my life and what reactions I get and got in the past.
For the most time of my life I thought that I should hide my metal disorders. Why? Because society and everyone around me told me to. But this was the biggest lie. I hate the fact so much, that mental health is still a topic under the hand. Just a few brave people talk open about it and sometimes even those get a horrible backlash. This is one of the reasons why I started this platform.
As I wrote in my recovery story I was always a very shy and quiet person. I didn’t talk a lot and at least about my feelings. This was also something I grew up with – “You have problems? Shut the fck about it and keep it to yourself!” This was one the reasons why I haven’t reached out for help earlier.
I got bullied all the time in school from first grade up to the senior classes, until I opened up about it and redid the senior classes. This was the first step into the right direction, I got out of the toxic enviorment. I did this for myself and it felt good. After this experiences and a break-down in public I decided to talk again with my mum about my mental state. We had some conversations about it earlier, but she always thought that this matter was still a part of my grief coping. In some kind it was true because my depression was a product of the family loss, but there were other influences to this too. My mum and I had a pretty rough relationship at this time, I was withdrawn and thought she wouldn’t understand it. This was also the point, because she wanted to keep quiet about my mental disorders. Because she was scared about the public reaction and was worried about how I would handle this. It needed a lot of time to get to the point of understandment, when she realised how much I was hurt by this behaviour. This got on until I moved to Dortmund. She realised that I have more to struggle with than my change of location and handleing a long distance relationship. I was lost and called her every day crying. When I returned home she was the one who took me to our family doctor. I also have to say, that she got treatment for mental illness at this time too. This was the point when we got together because her understanding for my state had changed through her therapy. Since then my mum is one of my closest persons, I talk to her on a daily basis and she supports me in every possible way.
I also started talking open about my mental illnesses at the time in Dortmund. I wanted to start new, as the person I am. With all my good and bad sides and I got such an amazing feedback. People liked me for who I am, I started to be the person, which I always was on the inside. I went out, met up with friends, went to parties and had such a good time. This helped me so much to accept myself, because other people could do it too.
Even so I met my actual partner at this time. He liked me the way I was, with all my problems and weird sides. Just as a good friend at this time and after I broke up with my ex-partner I had him at my side. As the support I always needed, no matter what I was doing. He is also one of the biggest backings I have till this day. I’m going to write an seperate article about the realtionship between us and my Borderline disorder. But he showed me that it is okay to be ill and that was the start of being the way I am now.
I also have an empowering and understanding circle of friends, which are there for me whatever will happen. This also something I never had before. I was always the one who needed to beg for friendships, because I was so special and in some kind stressful with all my problems. So I was most of the time lost with some friends just on the public basis. We used to hang out until it got worse with my state, then they got me down. I can understand this behavior in a way today, because it’s not always easy to stand behind someone who is ill. It need a lot of strength and work to help someone and like someone the way he is. That’s why I lost some people on my way, but that’s okay. Because this made me to person I am today. Now I have friends who always are there for me, I can call them whenever I’m down and they are by my side, immediately.
I’ve also kept my attitude to let people think whatever they want. It is their thing and problem, not mine. I have enough struggles with myself and my life and can not care about what people think about me. I always get backlash for what I’m doing especially with being open about my mental illnesses. But that is okay, because the positive feedback I get is more important to me than anything else. That’s why I want to share it and give other people who struggle with similar problems the same power and encouragement. True friends will love you, no matter what.
Also there are coming some posts from relatives about how they experience the illness of their friends, family or partners.