My Therapy Story


After I told you my story in a shorter form I want to refer to the topic of therapy. Because I know from my own experience that this is something very difficult and hard. Any you often don’t get in detail informations about because it’s still something uncomfortable.

I made many experiences, bad ones, horrible ones but also good ones. And all of them helped me to find my way. When I first was diagnosed with Depression, I was 14. After the loss of my dad it was natural to fell in a hole of grief and loneliness. So went to a few voluntary psychotherapist. Here in Germany these are often bounded with church insitutions, city institutions or social facilities. You can find a list of offers for your town here. It was pretty okay, it was uncommitted and kind of anonym. Your health insurance doesn’t need to give their okay and you could end it everytime you want.

So I went there with my struggles and the first experience was horrible, I couldn’t bound with the psychotherapist and she always wanted me to seperate from my family. Which was the most important thing I had at this time.  As that didn’t stop I wanted to change the caregiver, so we changed the organisation. This was the best what we could do, because I got an very kind and open therapist, which really helped me. But over night she disappeared and canceled every appointment. This broke my heart and my trust in therapists.
I was so hurt, because it was such an overcoming to open yourself up to someone. So I refused every other attempt of an therapy. I felt down my hole, but wasn’t trong enough to make the decicion to get help on my own. So I stayed there and found shelter in an emotional instable relationship. I needed nobody else than my partner, which was a horrible fault. It was just the two of us against the world, but this wasn’t a healthy construct for myself. My Borderline went horrible ways but I did nothing.

Many years later, I realised that I need to change a lot because of my health status. As written in my recovery story, I started new. And this start was well needed. I went to my family doctor and she started to prescribe my medication. Just a simple antidepressant, but it was the first step in the right direction. I’m going to write a seperate article about medication in detail soon.

But my doctor also told me to find a psychotherapist, because medication is just an appliance and needs to be in combination with a therapy. This was almost three years ago and started the downward-spiral of therapy search. I’ve spent months of hopeless calls, it was a disaster. But I wanted to get help so bad, because I needed it. Then I finally found one, but it wasn’t the best match. It was a male, which was always a problem for me in therapist things. Also he offered me very strange solutions and advices. It wasn’t fitting for me and my goals for this therapy. After running aways from appointments and calls for a few months, I made the decision to cancel it. It was very hard for me but also a very kind decision I made for myself.

This started again the terrible search, which made it even harder because I discontinued the therapy on my own risk. The health insurance wasn’t very amused by that and wasn’t a big help at that time. I was broken down and at the end of my strength. This was last summer. I had horrible depressive phases and were just hiding at home, going fitful to classes at university and got pretty anti-social. I wanted to get out of this hole so bad, I did everything possible but nothing was successful.

One morning I stood in front of my roommate and best friend, crying like a baby and I was ready to pack my bag an go to the mental hospital. I saw no other way out, I was devastated. But luckily I had my psychatrist at my hand, I made an emergency appointment at hers. She gave me higher medications and we made the decision to go to the daily therapy at a mental hospital. It was a hard way, but I was ready to do it. Because I wanted to have a normal life without break-downs and not being able to leave the house. So I went to the day care in December. My experiences with that I’ll share in the next post with you.
But all in all here are some hard facts about the therapy:

    • talk open about your mental state with your family doctor
    • call your health insurance and ask for opportunities, they need to give you a list with psychotherapists in your city
    • also since April 2017 we have in Germany a law that assure you a first appointment with a psychotherapist through the KVB, you can find every information on their site
    • most important point: you need to be honest! for yourself and knowing that you can just get honest help with your aid


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